The Roots Of Last Expressions

Life affects us all in different ways.

I am just a normal human being living life the best way that I know how. During the surprising number of decades that I have been here, my life has been peppered (more than most) with those I love passing away. I believe we are here to learn lessons and leave an impact on the world that surrounds us and that the clues about that impact are shown to us in subtle ways.

So . . . I look for subtle clues.

When my youngest son passed away from cancer the day after his 21st birthday, there was nothing subtle about that. The duration of his illness and his final passing were the stuff from nightmares. They say that no-one should bury one of their own children. It’s true. This experience has affected me as much as losing my mother as a teenager, but this one left a wound that was so great that even 16 years later I have trouble touching. It is raw, painful and numb all at the same time. At best, I have learnt to live around that wound.

Jackson’s experience turned him into a young man with the humility of a sage. Toward the end of his 3 year journey he accepted his fate and took his funeral into his own hands. He decided he was going to be cremated. He chose the songs for his funeral and decided that a friend would play them on his guitar. He also spent many hours making miniature paper cranes that he wanted thrown on his coffin instead of flowers. Paper cranes are a symbol of long life and good health.

From the many funerals I have had to attend, this is the one that I remember the most. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he was my darling son, but I believe that the impact of him making his own decisions about his funeral was just as big.

Fast forward to 2 years ago.

I was having a conversation with my nephew about the funeral industry over a glass of wine one evening. We were talking about the impact they have and how people could make a difference at their own funeral. I put to him that I would love to make a coffin that people could build themselves – he said like a flat pack that they could keep under the bed?

The idea was born. From that day on, I have found the strength and knowledge to follow my purpose.

Since then I have been possessed with the notion of making a difference, helping to change the perception that funerals are out of our hands (in the hands of funeral parlours). Until the World Wars, death was as much a part of living as birth was. People died at home. Australia’s current home death rate is around 15%. Because of the overwhelming presence of death during the Wars society has handballed the responsibility to the funeral industry.

It’s time to take it back.

A funeral is the FINAL time that we can express our essence, our love, our personality. Does a shiny brown box with silver handles do that? Let’s celebrate the life that has completed. Let’s make it really personal – colourful, symbolic and individual. We have been told that there is only one way to say goodbye and the rules are rigid. Well, that’s wrong! The laws in Australia do not reflect that.

We are a multi-cultural, diverse nation with many different backgrounds. There is no hard and fast rule about how you celebrate your life or that of a loved one.

The families that have come to me and taken the opportunity to build and/or personalise a casket have experienced the joy of expressing the essence of a loved one, and truly do experience a higher level of satisfaction and peace. This warms my soul to see. Last Expressions is my vision, my life’s work – to see and hear others thankful that they have been able to express their love and grief in a way that will be with them for the rest of their lives.

As Jackson would say: Every Moment, Every day, Enjoy!

Jennie Barnes

Funeral Pre-planning

Funeral Pre-planning

There are several aspects to pre-planning a funeral.

Firstly, what does that mean? It doesn’t mean paying up front and leaving it at that. It means giving careful consideration to each and every detail of your funeral. Dying is as auspicious and important as getting married and should be treated as such.

Why should you pre-plan? I believe it is a gift of love to your family. For those of us that have experienced the death of a loved one, whether it be sudden or expected, we are so often left at a loss about the funeral, because of the blatant trend of turning a blind eye until it’s on your doorstep.

Why do we do this?? Death is so definite that it confounds me as to why western society doesn’t embrace it with love, just as we do a birth or a marriage.
Wouldn’t it be far better to leave the opportunity for your family to be able to just grieve, without the added pressure of making difficult decisions about caskets and music and details that are sometimes too difficult to unravel in a short space of time. The whole process of grieving can be so different for each and every individual and when families come together to make decisions under these circumstances the results are not always good.

How do you pre-plan? Where do you start? Mark a date on your calendar and spend the day exploring your options, preferably with some small pampering activity included. You could even invite family/friends to join you if you like. Write down your thoughts and findings – The Bottom Drawer Book written by Lisa Herbert is a good place for that. http://thebottomdrawerbook.com.au/

You need to look at the choice of Funeral Directors available in your area. Which one is open to helping you organize a funeral that suits you?
If you are unable to find someone that is satisfactory, are there any Independent Funeral Planners in your area that may help?
Do you want it in a church/graveside/in a park/at the beach/no service at all?
Do you want to be cremated or buried?
Would you like to have a casket decorated to signify your own life?
What songs have great memories for you?
Are there any people that you would like mentioned as great influencers on your life?
Would you like to leave messages for anyone?
What would you like written on your headstone?
Do you want to record a message?
Who would you like to read your eulogy?
Do you want pictures at your funeral?

When you start the process you will find there is much to organize. And when you have finished it will feel exhilarating! Then you can get on with living, knowing that you have considered every detail and everyone’s emotional wellbeing.

Jennie Barnes

Let's talk about Caskets and Coffins

There have been many thoughts passed on to me about people’s preconceived ideas on what they will be buried in. Often I am told ‘I don’t want a coffin’, or ‘just put me in a cardboard box’, or ‘I just want a shroud’, or ‘I don’t care I’ll be dead’.

As the law in Australia stands at this moment in time, everyone needs a coffin or casket to have their body transported anywhere. Whether you are buried or cremated in one is another matter.

The vessel that you are buried in needs at least some thought, for the benefit of the family that you leave behind. Because we as a collective have come to the point of avoiding any thought of dying, we are leaving all the important decisions about our funeral to our loved ones, at a time when they themselves are going through one of the most difficult emotions in their lives – grief.

Let’s look at coffins and caskets. The difference between the two is the shape – coffins are diamond shaped and caskets are rectangular. Also, coffins come with a hinged lid. Whichever vessel you choose, it must be of the appropriate size to fit your body. There is an Australian standard size casket, but as we look around, there is not really a standard size person anymore. For burial, particularly in overcrowded cemeteries, as close to the standard size is preferred. But, out of sheer respect for the dead person, we would want them to be comfortably laid out in their final resting place.

Although there are some minor differences from State to State within Australia, there are basic requirements for a coffin:

• It must be sturdy enough to hold your weight. Nobody wants the bottom to fall out of their casket and although there is no official test to be passed, rigorous research into this is done by coffin makers. There’s a myriad of options available now including wicker, cardboard, MDF, pine, and even poly tube.

• And leakproof. To ensure your casket is leak proof they are usually lined with plastic, underneath the fancy lining. Sometimes they also have shredded paper underneath the lining.

Another part of the decision process is whether you want to be buried or cremated.

Being cremated has a couple of other point of consideration. 

• Your casket MUST have a flat bottom. When being rolled into the cremator there must be no reason that the casket could get stuck. There are only 2 crematoriums in Victoria that will cremate bodies in a shroud alone.

• The metal handles on a casket are removed before cremation purely because under severe heat they can warp and pop off, damaging the walls of the cremator.

• Cardboard coffins are not recommended for cremation – they produce too much ash and do not generate heat. The ashes from remains burnt in a cardboard coffin can be 50% more than in a timber coffin. Once again there is a standard sized urn for ashes – which means the family could be presented with one and half urns for your remains.

So I hope this has given you some indication of why it is important to think about what type of casket or coffin you would prefer.

Jennie Barnes